Guess Who's Back...

Well my dear old friends and reader (shout out to Stavros from Mikonos!), thought I'd see if coming back to this would help again. It may hinder, but my mind is full and my writing looks like shit so my journal is filled with chicken scratch from a possible serial killer, so I'm back here.

Unfortunately, I'm back in a familiar place with a few new faces: severe depression, extreme anxiety, agoraphobia, paranoia, dizziness, hours long crying fits alone in the dark and an overwhelming sense of dread every.single.day. Yes, there are fleeting moments where I smile, and am genuinely happy, but as each day passes I wonder...what am I doing here? What is my purpose? I thought I was meant for something more than eat, sleep, work, repeat.

In 2015 I stopped my previous antidepressants cold turkey,( I was taking 250 mg of Effexor daily) much to the chagrin of my doctor. Just stopped. I was feeling so incredibly numb, just floating through each day, and once I was off I felt the same and , truth be told, I started actually feeling EMOTIONS again. Which was refreshing. So for 2 years I had been free of all anxiety/anti-depression medications and was doing, well, as good as can be. In December of 2016 those pesky depression demons started rearing their ugly heads again. I was sick consistently for almost 2 months around this time, with a cough, would constantly lose my voice, congestion, chest pains, soreness and was pushing myself to work because, quite frankly, that's just what I do. With the stress of the holiday season on top of that, my body was breaking under the pressure and my mind had a complete breakdown. Down for the count. No way of getting back up for round 10.


I've been on medical leave since January trying to deal with my multitude of issues. First step: got a gym membership to Goodlife Fitness and I have been going 5, sometimes, 6 times a week. I've started doing yoga again and am I happy I have a reason to get out of the house, get some blood pumping and listen to Last Podcast On The Left while I life weights and watch Dog The Bounter Hunter on the elliptical and treadmill (truth bomb-I still have a crush on Leland *shame rattle*).

 I am on 15 mg of Cipralex and have slowly started to feel better ( I will also be tapering down on these as well, as it's MY personal goal to not be on antidepressants all my life. Not judging anyone who is on them for life, everyone is struggling, whatever gets your through the day DO IT).


It's taken months to get through and finally book an appointment with Intake Services, but in the meantime there are group and single sessions I can go to for counselling...still working up the nerve. Seeing at it's Mental Health Week (May 1-7) I'm going to go to one by the time this "week" is over.

Here's a link :
http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx


Guess I just felt like rambling, who knows if i'll be back on here. I met up with an old friend for breakfast today at Le Bicyclette Cafe and he is struggling to get out of the house, to meet up with people as well. It was nice to connect with an old friend who understands and we had a great visit.



That's all for today...unless I come back after meeting one of my idols, Kelly Oxford, tonight.

 

Later.

I Return...And I'm Ready To Leave The Hermit Lifestyle Behind...

So I've taken quite a break from blogging...not sure why.

Well, I have a few ideas why;
illness
laziness
job hunting
wallowing
disappointment in 2 important friendships in E-town that have disintegrated, not
       due to lack of effort on my part
nothing to say
^^that's a lie, I have a LOT to say but the laziness took over
afraid my words would be taken out of context


Let's elaborate on the nothing to say; I have thoughts CONSTANTLY in my head, the voices never stop in the old noggin. But when it comes to putting pen to paper and fingers to keys, I would draw a blank. I've dreamt about becoming an author since I could read (Side note: I won my Grade 2 Reading Challenge-read more books than anyone else in the class, suck it Geoff Milburn, MJ Thompson and Noah Hopchin!)

I still keep a journal, but I write half page entries 1-2 times a week vs everyday 5,6 years ago. I'm slowly getting more consistent with that journal, so I'm going to slowly become more consistent with this blog.

You're welcome 4 people who sometimes peruse this, or who stumbled here because the words Naked and Cake are in the title.

lis

books fill my heart with happiness, no matter what chaos surrounds me 

Purple Pills

So I had a post up previously that I took down...wasn't necessarily negative, but...I took it down. Didn't delete it, but I felt it unnecessary to leave up for longer than the few days it was up. I'm afraid it did the damage I was worried about, but maybe that's my over reactive sensibilities doing their thing.

The past 6 weeks or so have been a fucking rollercoaster ride, health wise, to say the least. Hospital visit, doctors visits, too many vials of blood drawn, ECGS aren't an issue, CAT scan, stress test...done it all. Except the EEG, that's in a few weeks. Came down to seeing a neurologist who put me on two new medications, one in particular called Topamax had some SERIOUS side effects but it promised to reduce the frequency and consistency of my migraines. At that point, give it to me, I want it all. (The side effects were: weight loss (I think this is where I should have looked PAST that, because the next few are insane, HEART ATTACK LIKE-SYMPTOMS including shortness of breath/pressure on the chest-both of which I experienced, as well as burning or numbness of feet or hands -lucky me, both legs, my left arm THEN my right arm were slightly numb/tingly and feet on fire for the past week and a half).

OH, also the "anti abortive" pill, Relpax, to take RIGHT when the migraine comes on (can only take 3 times a month because it is THAT powerful) didn't take away my migraine either of the times I took it, and make me physically ill both times as well. So no to those, as well (they were also $25 for 6 pills, WITH coverage.)

Today I went to my doctor and said I couldn't do it anymore; I was going to try these for 6 weeks, but I couldn't go through 2 more weeks of barely making it up the stairs without gasping for air, constantly squeezing my hands, rotating my feet, trying to sleep while my body was so uncomfortable; meanwhile, I only lost maybe 1lb. The migraines subsided, but I'm also on medical leave, so being out of the work environment (which contributed to the migraines-direct sunlight 6-8 hours a day) is obviously helping as well.

He was more than happy to get me on new medication that will help with not only my migraines but also my sleep issues and anxiety. 3 issues, one pill. Anything to lessen the amount of medication that I have to take is great in my books. And the side effect? Dry mouth. That's it. No biggie, I guzzle down water like nobodies business anyways.

So with this time off...I gotta find a hobby. Yoga class, you will be getting enrolled in. Too late to enroll in Open Studies at the UofA for Fall (I think, just applied today), but I'll be there in January (gotta finish that degree!). Maybe a language? Class? Volunteer. That won't be a question.

(Pardon any weird spelling/grammatical errors, this last medication has caused me to slur...frankly I've been a hermit, even being around my family I will go to speak and can't get words out. Makes me want to cry...come on days, let's move quickly so I can get this old junk out of my system and hopefully be able to speak without slurring or stumbling on words, or my feet for that matter).

What a ray of freakin sunshine I am!

But things are looking up, they have too. I believe they will, I truly do this time.

It Is Time For Me To Heal...yupyupyupyupyup

Hearts A Mess

umm...hello? remember me?
Your friend you haven't seen in a year?

Your friend whose sanity has been kept at bay by knowing that mid August would bring a visit out to Vancouver to see you, to spend time with you, to go camping, see some amazing bands, hang with cool people, drinks copious amounts of beer, catch up on a years worth of life.

Unfortunately life happened to me, hospital's happened to me, stress tests and CT scans happened;blackouts, inability to form words for 10 minutes and more vials of blood were drawn than I'd care to remember; ecgs and chest xrays happened; visits to neurologists happened...all in a matter of a week or so. When I told you, you that I couldn't go, yes...you were understanding. But that's about it, it seemed.

Am I selfish in wanting you to ask if I was/am scared? To REALLY ask what's going on, to tell me that you're worried FOR me/ that you're going to miss me there and it won't be the same with me?

I feel like I'm pleading for a moment from someone who can barely respond to a text message anymore; request for a Skype session gets shut down because there's barely anytime to hug your dog and watch your Kardashians...

The only positive thing about this hurting my heart is that it isn't PHYSICALLY hurting my heart. And that's about it for my uber dramatic 4am emotional blog post...let's see how long until I delete this, otherwise I feel like I could lose a friendship over it still being up (which would be absolutely fucking ridiculous...but stranger things have happened-i'm just too chicken shit to say it out loud-but then again it's hard when it takes days to get a response)

HEART'S A MESS 

unable are the loved to die...

This week a friend of mine lost his mother. The thing about death and loss is that it inevitably brings up our own fear of losing someone that we love so dearly.  To my sweet Grant, you are strong and your mom is with you through this entire journey, stay strong. To everyone else, don't ever forget to say "I love you" to the ones who count...

Grant, I know she's in your heart every night. 

Unable are the loved to die.  For love is immortality.  

~Emily Dickinson

Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,

                              May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.

~Author Unknown

Death is Nothing At All

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well. Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918

"Friend" derives from a word meaning "free." A friend is someone who allows us the space and freedom to be. 

I Could...But I Won't

I could complain about so many things...but I won't. I CAN'T! I was gifted with a surprise visit from my aunt Joni today, she came bearing Starbucks and a cookie. I have friends, near and far, who are there for me when I need them; my mall girls can make me laugh like nobodies business.

I love you so much <3 <3<3

I have a job...I have a job that helps peoples self esteem. There is no reason to complain about working TOO much. I have a mother & a father who are extremely giving & warm, funny & would shank someone in a heartbeat if someone hurt me or my bro. I have my younger brother Lindz; we share a brain & find the most random things funny. She is one of a kind and she's MINE! MINE sister. 

No complaining.

No worrying.

These are the goals for me!

The 19th Of January Cannot Come Soon Enough

VANCOUVER BOUND

Sarah and wine, my 2 faves

Sarah, aviators, side braids and red nail polish....more faves

Sarah, a scarf and my Nars lip gloss...more faves

Can't wait to see you, it's going to be epic. I toss that word around like glitter, but I mean it this time. And Johnny Walker will be there, in Vancouver, and so will Jennifer Juniper (who I think should come chill with us!);we will be going to the Cambie, and fun will be had by ALL! And I WILL bring my party...underpants...don't make me say the P word, B, you will die.

Sadassa!!!

this bitch

LOVE

SO

MUCH

I am so grateful to have a friend (superfriend is more appropriate) like you, Sar! Even though you were here for a short time, we made the most of it. Lots of laughs, new memories (Pickle & birthday cake anyone?) & our traditional side braid! You told me to stop being so hard on myself; that starts NOW. I will be seeing you by October, Silly.

A Thanks To My Friends

Anonymous

Thank you for being there when I needed you...

and even when I didn't,

Thank you for being there through the good times...and the bad,

Thank you for being there to encourage my dreams....and my crazy ideas,                                 Thank you for catching me...before I fell down,Thank you for wiping away the tears...             when I was crying,Thank you for cheering me up...and making me laugh,                                      Thank you for all the great memories...and the bad,But most of all...                                             thank you...For being you!

I love all of my friends, new and old, close and far away....you save me from myself,
sometimes and I am forever grateful to call you all my friends. 

The Golden Chain Of Friendship

Ann M. Siddall

Friendship is a golden chain
the links are friends so dear
and like a rare and precious jewel
it's treasured more each year...

it's clasped together firmly
with a love that's deep and true
and it's rich and happy memories
and fond recollections too...

time can't destroy its beauty
for as long as memories live
years can't erase the pleasure
the joy that friendship gives
for friendship is a priceless gift
that can't be bought or sold

but to have an understanding friend
is worth far more than gold
and the golden chain of friendship
is a strong and blessed tie
binding kinded hearts together
as the years go passing by.

After Life...

...Is Death.

Today was the funeral for one of my close friends who lost his father Ted on Saturday. 

Instead of talking about the inevitable sadness, I want to say how proud I am of all of 

our friends coming to support Dave during, probably, the most difficult day 

of his life. The service was lovely and it was great to just be outside 

after the service and hug Dave, joke around a bit. 

Love you Scratch Brotha!!!

They're Heeeeeerrreee!

beauty, beauty everywhere

Sarah and Graycen Lee, that is. I am so unbelievably excited to see my two favourite girls, we have to cherish every second together because Sarah's got so many people to see in town. Also, Graycen has a hard time adapting to Edmonton on long trips, so this one is short.

But it will be sweet, just like my Graycenbear <3

OMG THE NEW BOLD!

teef

Yes G, it's a nice necklace

 cutie

Regulators! Mount Up!

I'm going to write about my weekend trip to Van soon, but I'm going to ride my bike to Starbucks instead!

I'll leave you with a picture of Sarah piggy backing her man Jon