Guess Who's Back...

Well my dear old friends and reader (shout out to Stavros from Mikonos!), thought I'd see if coming back to this would help again. It may hinder, but my mind is full and my writing looks like shit so my journal is filled with chicken scratch from a possible serial killer, so I'm back here.

Unfortunately, I'm back in a familiar place with a few new faces: severe depression, extreme anxiety, agoraphobia, paranoia, dizziness, hours long crying fits alone in the dark and an overwhelming sense of dread every.single.day. Yes, there are fleeting moments where I smile, and am genuinely happy, but as each day passes I wonder...what am I doing here? What is my purpose? I thought I was meant for something more than eat, sleep, work, repeat.

In 2015 I stopped my previous antidepressants cold turkey,( I was taking 250 mg of Effexor daily) much to the chagrin of my doctor. Just stopped. I was feeling so incredibly numb, just floating through each day, and once I was off I felt the same and , truth be told, I started actually feeling EMOTIONS again. Which was refreshing. So for 2 years I had been free of all anxiety/anti-depression medications and was doing, well, as good as can be. In December of 2016 those pesky depression demons started rearing their ugly heads again. I was sick consistently for almost 2 months around this time, with a cough, would constantly lose my voice, congestion, chest pains, soreness and was pushing myself to work because, quite frankly, that's just what I do. With the stress of the holiday season on top of that, my body was breaking under the pressure and my mind had a complete breakdown. Down for the count. No way of getting back up for round 10.

I've been on medical leave since January trying to deal with my multitude of issues. First step: got a gym membership to Goodlife Fitness and I have been going 5, sometimes, 6 times a week. I've started doing yoga again and am I happy I have a reason to get out of the house, get some blood pumping and listen to Last Podcast On The Left while I life weights and watch Dog The Bounter Hunter on the elliptical and treadmill (truth bomb-I still have a crush on Leland *shame rattle*).

 I am on 15 mg of Cipralex and have slowly started to feel better ( I will also be tapering down on these as well, as it's MY personal goal to not be on antidepressants all my life. Not judging anyone who is on them for life, everyone is struggling, whatever gets your through the day DO IT).

It's taken months to get through and finally book an appointment with Intake Services, but in the meantime there are group and single sessions I can go to for counselling...still working up the nerve. Seeing at it's Mental Health Week (May 1-7) I'm going to go to one by the time this "week" is over.

Here's a link :

Guess I just felt like rambling, who knows if i'll be back on here. I met up with an old friend for breakfast today at Le Bicyclette Cafe and he is struggling to get out of the house, to meet up with people as well. It was nice to connect with an old friend who understands and we had a great visit.

That's all for today...unless I come back after meeting one of my idols, Kelly Oxford, tonight.


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