Purple Pills

So I had a post up previously that I took down...wasn't necessarily negative, but...I took it down. Didn't delete it, but I felt it unnecessary to leave up for longer than the few days it was up. I'm afraid it did the damage I was worried about, but maybe that's my over reactive sensibilities doing their thing.

The past 6 weeks or so have been a fucking rollercoaster ride, health wise, to say the least. Hospital visit, doctors visits, too many vials of blood drawn, ECGS aren't an issue, CAT scan, stress test...done it all. Except the EEG, that's in a few weeks. Came down to seeing a neurologist who put me on two new medications, one in particular called Topamax had some SERIOUS side effects but it promised to reduce the frequency and consistency of my migraines. At that point, give it to me, I want it all. (The side effects were: weight loss (I think this is where I should have looked PAST that, because the next few are insane, HEART ATTACK LIKE-SYMPTOMS including shortness of breath/pressure on the chest-both of which I experienced, as well as burning or numbness of feet or hands -lucky me, both legs, my left arm THEN my right arm were slightly numb/tingly and feet on fire for the past week and a half).

OH, also the "anti abortive" pill, Relpax, to take RIGHT when the migraine comes on (can only take 3 times a month because it is THAT powerful) didn't take away my migraine either of the times I took it, and make me physically ill both times as well. So no to those, as well (they were also $25 for 6 pills, WITH coverage.)

Today I went to my doctor and said I couldn't do it anymore; I was going to try these for 6 weeks, but I couldn't go through 2 more weeks of barely making it up the stairs without gasping for air, constantly squeezing my hands, rotating my feet, trying to sleep while my body was so uncomfortable; meanwhile, I only lost maybe 1lb. The migraines subsided, but I'm also on medical leave, so being out of the work environment (which contributed to the migraines-direct sunlight 6-8 hours a day) is obviously helping as well.

He was more than happy to get me on new medication that will help with not only my migraines but also my sleep issues and anxiety. 3 issues, one pill. Anything to lessen the amount of medication that I have to take is great in my books. And the side effect? Dry mouth. That's it. No biggie, I guzzle down water like nobodies business anyways.

So with this time off...I gotta find a hobby. Yoga class, you will be getting enrolled in. Too late to enroll in Open Studies at the UofA for Fall (I think, just applied today), but I'll be there in January (gotta finish that degree!). Maybe a language? Class? Volunteer. That won't be a question.

(Pardon any weird spelling/grammatical errors, this last medication has caused me to slur...frankly I've been a hermit, even being around my family I will go to speak and can't get words out. Makes me want to cry...come on days, let's move quickly so I can get this old junk out of my system and hopefully be able to speak without slurring or stumbling on words, or my feet for that matter).

What a ray of freakin sunshine I am!

But things are looking up, they have too. I believe they will, I truly do this time.

It Is Time For Me To Heal...yupyupyupyupyup


Always Listen To The Man In Black

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line


Hearts A Mess

umm...hello? remember me?
Your friend you haven't seen in a year?

Your friend whose sanity has been kept at bay by knowing that mid August would bring a visit out to Vancouver to see you, to spend time with you, to go camping, see some amazing bands, hang with cool people, drinks copious amounts of beer, catch up on a years worth of life.

Unfortunately life happened to me, hospital's happened to me, stress tests and CT scans happened;blackouts, inability to form words for 10 minutes and more vials of blood were drawn than I'd care to remember; ecgs and chest xrays happened; visits to neurologists happened...all in a matter of a week or so. When I told you, you that I couldn't go, yes...you were understanding. But that's about it, it seemed.

Am I selfish in wanting you to ask if I was/am scared? To REALLY ask what's going on, to tell me that you're worried FOR me/ that you're going to miss me there and it won't be the same with me?

I feel like I'm pleading for a moment from someone who can barely respond to a text message anymore; request for a Skype session gets shut down because there's barely anytime to hug your dog and watch your Kardashians...

The only positive thing about this hurting my heart is that it isn't PHYSICALLY hurting my heart. And that's about it for my uber dramatic 4am emotional blog post...let's see how long until I delete this, otherwise I feel like I could lose a friendship over it still being up (which would be absolutely fucking ridiculous...but stranger things have happened-i'm just too chicken shit to say it out loud-but then again it's hard when it takes days to get a response)



^^^I had to do this ^^^
to let go the guilty feelings that were not merited...



A Few Pics (scanned ones coming)

Here's a few pics of my grandpa when he was younger...

with my mom when she was about 5 months old 

what a handsome teenager ;) 
in Mexico, looking dapper

playing with god knows what when I was little 

His career through the years...


Keremeos 2013

After driving through Penticton and arriving in Keremeos, we headed to the mobile park where he shares a home with Georgie, my step-grandma. We pulled up, all got out and headed to the door...Georgie had been watching for us (we were communicating through emails) and we walked up the ramp to the door. I was the first one in, and saw my Grandpa sitting there, reading the paper (NO EYE PATCH!) He didn't hear me walking, so I sat down and said "what are you reading?" I've never seen such a shocked look on anyone's face! Then he saw my sister, Lindsey, my mom and dad and was  flabbergasted!

pure love

If I had to lose a job over that, it was worth it a million times over. His spirit is just as amazing as always, his humour is just as acid tongued as ever, and he's only using one cane....Sometimes showing off without. 

His eyepatch was gone, he looked happy and healthy to me and, I think, our presence really helped boost his spirits. This was the most important trip I could have ever taken; we don't know if he has a year, 5 years, 6 months...nobody does. So I was so happy to spend as much time with him as I could, even if it was just  me, my dad and gramps all falling asleep watching TV with Linz laughing at us. Memories I will never forget, stories I will never forget (I learned so much about his illustrious history in the trucking industry, how he used to race stock cars, there's history in everything he says, so he speaks and we listen).

We were able to take home some amazing photographs from his past, as well as hilarious pictures of ourselves over the years.  (I'll post those soon)

family love

we love our gramps

just found out he hates this pic because the cane is in it and he feels
like "one of the old geezers down at the pool hall" :)

When it was time to leave, I gave my grandpa the longest hug I could; I felt tears well up in my eyes, could barely breath and couldn't stand for him to see me that way so I hugged him one more time and had to go out in the cool mountain air to cry...I didn't want him or my mom to see. I don't know when I'll be out there again but it was emotional, nonetheless. He is the most amazing man, and I cannot wait to see him again. 



I know you're reading, COMMENT! 
It's tough when you meet someone and have an instant connection; make each other laugh over stupid texts...this guy even brought me a Venti Caramel Macchiatto to my work! My favourite, btw. 
We've seen each other a few times, but he's been a bit distant and, after our date when we were supposed to play mini golf didn't happen, I decided to ask the dreaded question: "Are you still interested in playing mini golf with me?"

His answer was...mind boggling. He said that I remind him of his ex fiance, I look like her, just the essence I guess. It's unfortunate because I thought we had a great foundation to build on, but there's no need to push it. I completely understand, and, no matter how bummed I am about it, I'm moving on because hanging on to past guys has got me nowhere. 

Now from the master....

that's right, Jigga!

New Years Resolution

I'm going with a tried a true resolution, one of the classics that most people never fulfil or achieve: WEIGHT LOSS

After gaining almost 40 pounds in 2012 (I was sedentary unless I was at work or with friends), I have had enough; I reached a number on the scare that never in my lifetime I thought I would see (unless I happened to be pregnant). That was it. My inspiration for this also comes from my sister; Linz has been slowly and quietly losing weight over the past 5,6 months and the changes in her body (and the changes she's made in her eating habits) is phenomenal. 

That will be me this year.

Soda is my crack. Specifically, Coca Cola is my crack. I will indulge in soda on occasion, not almost every day. 
Packing lunches to work will 1)save me money and 2) let me control what's going in my body, making sure I'm getting all the veggies I need.
Speaking of veggies, EAT MORE VEGGIES.
The one good thing I've got going is that I drink at LEAST two litres of water a day, so I've got that down. Sleep has always been an issue for me, but I think with the added workouts sleep may come a lot easier. 
One last thing, I compare myself to everyone; my parents, my sister, friends, strangers...I am envious of their achievements, where they are in life, their bodies...this stops. I will never improve myself if I COMPARE myself to others. 

GOAL:Abs like this 
I just have to keep believing in myself


FASHION...Turn To The Left...

LOVE this look
love everything about this

love this


....It's Only Natural

So my grandpa has had MS for a few years; we thought he had a stoke the other night, and Georgie (step-gran) took him by ambulance to the hospital and did a CT scan. We had thought he had a stroke (or a tumour), so it was nice to rule those out.

MS has many symptoms and this is quite a common one (didn't even know it existed);
double vision and one eye going wonky on him one looks at you and the other goes where ever it wants to, and his blood pressure was very high. 

You're the most stubborn man I know
You are sharp as a tack
We'll watch so much Seinfeld when we get there  
Love U GrandPa xo