Breathe...deeply...things are slowly getting better

day by day.

just breathe.

you'll be ok.

promise.

PS

thanks for the flowers, Ohio.
For someone I barely know, you
made me grin like an idiot on
my birthday.

under pressure

it was my birthday....and I cried all I wanted to


Fuck.

Some of the people who I care (ne:CARED...I don't give a FUCK about ya'll anymore) about didn't bother to call or message me. It fucking hurt so bad.

I went into work to deal with the ongoing bullshit. And I cried.

I have to go get an ECG test done because I'm so stressed and my heart is literally in turmoil. My doctor is close to making me go on medical leave from work.

Would that be such a bad thing? Is money really worth not being able to take a full breath, or crying several times a day?

its my birthday

I'm scared in not going to hear from the people I care about the most today....some I've pushed away, but I still want to hear your voice.

And now my best friend is just ignoring me....I guess since I dont have a fiance or a baby I no longer fit into her life. And it hurts.... a lot.

I would love a phone call from her today. Not just a fb post saying happy birthday but an ACTUAL phone call.

Plan for the day:
Tanning. Pedicure. Back to work on my day off to take care of interviews/ bank issues. lunch with a good friend. Go for a bike ride on my new bike.

I know I'm getting a bike for my birthday, so my birthday WISH is to start shedding these disgusting layers of fat and get my ass back into gear. So rain or shine, I'm gonna get on that bike and GO. Because I can :)

Well that ended fast...

Who would have thought I'd fall so quickly for someone, and then come to realize he's a (and I'm stealing this from Khloe Kardashian) "total douche lord". He's been distant for a few days,was in the hospital for a migraine, and has been MIA since. I, of course, have been worried so I would call,text,nothing.

So after my fall at work, I tried to get ahold of him because, for some reason, he was the only person I wanted to talk to. He didn't say much (text much actually, he refused to talk on the phone because his head hurt....and I was fine with that). But then I didn't hear anything. For a day. So I let him know that I was upset because I was worried about him and hadn't heard from him at all. I also said that I felt used. Keep in mind I had just been through a lot myself.

Well I woke the beast. He told me he "didn't need this bullshit,i'm pissing him off, this is too much,blahblahblah"

Well SORRY for caring, SORRY for worrying, SORRY for falling so fast.

But I am NOT sorry that YOU'LL be kicking yourself when you realize you are on the verge of losing someone who would treat you different that every other girl who hurt you in the past. But I'm not going to fight for it.

HELP i'm alive

my body gave out on me today.

my heart hurt, felt like it was about to explode out of my skin. my chest ached, my lungs hurt.

I blacked out at work, hit the floor.

paramedics came,checked me out and i didn't want to go to the hospital with them,so i had my parents drive me home instead. At least I have an excuse to stay in bed for a day.



But...

What do I do now???

My Heart....oh my heart

Been having a mega panic attack for a solid three days.
Sweet.
Fought with my dad about going to the hospital Saturday night.
Huge part of the stress? Work. Specifically, non stop working.
Another part?
I gave my heart to someone too quickly.
And he's already stomped all over it.
Fucker.

I never trusted anyone with this heart. Now I'm trying to give it away to anyone I see.

I have to protect myself like I used to. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I was dying every second of every day.

I'm being dramatic. I don't give a fuck.