Guess Who's Back...

Well my dear old friends and reader (shout out to Stavros from Mikonos!), thought I'd see if coming back to this would help again. It may hinder, but my mind is full and my writing looks like shit so my journal is filled with chicken scratch from a possible serial killer, so I'm back here.

Unfortunately, I'm back in a familiar place with a few new faces: severe depression, extreme anxiety, agoraphobia, paranoia, dizziness, hours long crying fits alone in the dark and an overwhelming sense of dread every.single.day. Yes, there are fleeting moments where I smile, and am genuinely happy, but as each day passes I wonder...what am I doing here? What is my purpose? I thought I was meant for something more than eat, sleep, work, repeat.

In 2015 I stopped my previous antidepressants cold turkey,( I was taking 250 mg of Effexor daily) much to the chagrin of my doctor. Just stopped. I was feeling so incredibly numb, just floating through each day, and once I was off I felt the same and , truth be told, I started actually feeling EMOTIONS again. Which was refreshing. So for 2 years I had been free of all anxiety/anti-depression medications and was doing, well, as good as can be. In December of 2016 those pesky depression demons started rearing their ugly heads again. I was sick consistently for almost 2 months around this time, with a cough, would constantly lose my voice, congestion, chest pains, soreness and was pushing myself to work because, quite frankly, that's just what I do. With the stress of the holiday season on top of that, my body was breaking under the pressure and my mind had a complete breakdown. Down for the count. No way of getting back up for round 10.


I've been on medical leave since January trying to deal with my multitude of issues. First step: got a gym membership to Goodlife Fitness and I have been going 5, sometimes, 6 times a week. I've started doing yoga again and am I happy I have a reason to get out of the house, get some blood pumping and listen to Last Podcast On The Left while I life weights and watch Dog The Bounter Hunter on the elliptical and treadmill (truth bomb-I still have a crush on Leland *shame rattle*).

 I am on 15 mg of Cipralex and have slowly started to feel better ( I will also be tapering down on these as well, as it's MY personal goal to not be on antidepressants all my life. Not judging anyone who is on them for life, everyone is struggling, whatever gets your through the day DO IT).


It's taken months to get through and finally book an appointment with Intake Services, but in the meantime there are group and single sessions I can go to for counselling...still working up the nerve. Seeing at it's Mental Health Week (May 1-7) I'm going to go to one by the time this "week" is over.

Here's a link :
http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx


Guess I just felt like rambling, who knows if i'll be back on here. I met up with an old friend for breakfast today at Le Bicyclette Cafe and he is struggling to get out of the house, to meet up with people as well. It was nice to connect with an old friend who understands and we had a great visit.



That's all for today...unless I come back after meeting one of my idols, Kelly Oxford, tonight.

 

Later.

Coming To Terms and Facing The Consequences...

We all make mistakes...
This wasn't a mistake, this was a gigantic No No, an inconceivable move and, quite frankly, I still don't know what drove me to do it.
But it happened.

This is a defining moment where I KNOW I have lost someone I love for good, even though said person wanted me to come clean-and I came squeaky clean. ALL out on the table because that was the only way this person said there could be a possibility of salvaging our friendship.

With the genius idea to alienate myself from others, I've lost touch with SO many people, some who I would talk to on a daily basis, go on trips with, hang out just because...I don't have that with anyone. And that is on me. (I've also GAINED some unwanted friends-stupid FAT go home, my body doesn't want you here).

I can only hope that, with time, we are able to build up our friendship to what it was; those rare connections that don't come around all too often, or ever, and I don't want to lose that.

What I have to do now is reach out to others for many things; HELP when I need it, to reconnect, to strengthen weak friendships...a social network OUTSIDE of my family is what I need to heal and get back to me. The "me" from the last 6-8 months...I don't know who that was, but everything she told me to do made perfect sense. I'm just happy she didn't persuade me to jump off a bridge; I would have considered it...that she-devil was very convincing....

I'll explain this caption in my next post...ties in with the point I'm at in my life

I Return...And I'm Ready To Leave The Hermit Lifestyle Behind...

So I've taken quite a break from blogging...not sure why.

Well, I have a few ideas why;
illness
laziness
job hunting
wallowing
disappointment in 2 important friendships in E-town that have disintegrated, not
       due to lack of effort on my part
nothing to say
^^that's a lie, I have a LOT to say but the laziness took over
afraid my words would be taken out of context


Let's elaborate on the nothing to say; I have thoughts CONSTANTLY in my head, the voices never stop in the old noggin. But when it comes to putting pen to paper and fingers to keys, I would draw a blank. I've dreamt about becoming an author since I could read (Side note: I won my Grade 2 Reading Challenge-read more books than anyone else in the class, suck it Geoff Milburn, MJ Thompson and Noah Hopchin!)

I still keep a journal, but I write half page entries 1-2 times a week vs everyday 5,6 years ago. I'm slowly getting more consistent with that journal, so I'm going to slowly become more consistent with this blog.

You're welcome 4 people who sometimes peruse this, or who stumbled here because the words Naked and Cake are in the title.

lis

books fill my heart with happiness, no matter what chaos surrounds me 

Purple Pills

So I had a post up previously that I took down...wasn't necessarily negative, but...I took it down. Didn't delete it, but I felt it unnecessary to leave up for longer than the few days it was up. I'm afraid it did the damage I was worried about, but maybe that's my over reactive sensibilities doing their thing.

The past 6 weeks or so have been a fucking rollercoaster ride, health wise, to say the least. Hospital visit, doctors visits, too many vials of blood drawn, ECGS aren't an issue, CAT scan, stress test...done it all. Except the EEG, that's in a few weeks. Came down to seeing a neurologist who put me on two new medications, one in particular called Topamax had some SERIOUS side effects but it promised to reduce the frequency and consistency of my migraines. At that point, give it to me, I want it all. (The side effects were: weight loss (I think this is where I should have looked PAST that, because the next few are insane, HEART ATTACK LIKE-SYMPTOMS including shortness of breath/pressure on the chest-both of which I experienced, as well as burning or numbness of feet or hands -lucky me, both legs, my left arm THEN my right arm were slightly numb/tingly and feet on fire for the past week and a half).

OH, also the "anti abortive" pill, Relpax, to take RIGHT when the migraine comes on (can only take 3 times a month because it is THAT powerful) didn't take away my migraine either of the times I took it, and make me physically ill both times as well. So no to those, as well (they were also $25 for 6 pills, WITH coverage.)

Today I went to my doctor and said I couldn't do it anymore; I was going to try these for 6 weeks, but I couldn't go through 2 more weeks of barely making it up the stairs without gasping for air, constantly squeezing my hands, rotating my feet, trying to sleep while my body was so uncomfortable; meanwhile, I only lost maybe 1lb. The migraines subsided, but I'm also on medical leave, so being out of the work environment (which contributed to the migraines-direct sunlight 6-8 hours a day) is obviously helping as well.

He was more than happy to get me on new medication that will help with not only my migraines but also my sleep issues and anxiety. 3 issues, one pill. Anything to lessen the amount of medication that I have to take is great in my books. And the side effect? Dry mouth. That's it. No biggie, I guzzle down water like nobodies business anyways.

So with this time off...I gotta find a hobby. Yoga class, you will be getting enrolled in. Too late to enroll in Open Studies at the UofA for Fall (I think, just applied today), but I'll be there in January (gotta finish that degree!). Maybe a language? Class? Volunteer. That won't be a question.

(Pardon any weird spelling/grammatical errors, this last medication has caused me to slur...frankly I've been a hermit, even being around my family I will go to speak and can't get words out. Makes me want to cry...come on days, let's move quickly so I can get this old junk out of my system and hopefully be able to speak without slurring or stumbling on words, or my feet for that matter).

What a ray of freakin sunshine I am!

But things are looking up, they have too. I believe they will, I truly do this time.

It Is Time For Me To Heal...yupyupyupyupyup

Always Listen To The Man In Black

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

I keep my eyes wide open all the time

I keep the ends out for the tie that binds

Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true

I find myself alone when each day is through

Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you

Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light

I keep you on my mind both day and night

And happiness I've known proves that it's right

Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side

You give me cause for love that I can't hide

For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide

Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

I keep my eyes wide open all the time

I keep the ends out for the tie that binds

Because you're mine, I walk the line

when it hits you feel no pain

Sing It Bob